New Brunswick        2007                                                                                                         .25 cents
POPULATION SECRETARIAT TO NBers:  WE NEED MORE SEX

 
 The population secretariat came out with its recommendations     monday.  First was admitting that the province is not 'up to national snatch' in the procreation  department, falling .23 children behind the national average, which is equal to about two legs below the shins.

     A junior staffer maintains that since procreation comes from sexual activity, this therefore means that New Brunswickers are not copulating enough.           "We need to see an increase of .23 children, so sexually speaking that  would equal two hours of heavy petting" claimed the staffer.  Women are said to be delighted while several  male respondents appeared to be nonplussed.

      The government agency in charge of population is said to be considering several options, among them, changing regulations to allow more drinking in the workplace: "if married people aren't doing it with their partners then we'll have to provide them with alternatives.  After all, a little healthy competition can go a long way".

        Another suggestion is the use of corporate ads in sex ed textbooks at school such as the Nike slogan "Just Do it".       

         Most importantly, the staff at the population secretariat maintain that women have to be more flexible, in the words of one staffer "I mean, its been forty years since the sexual revolution and at Molly's on fridays it takes me til 2 AM and a quart of gin to get anywhere".

 

Using the most state of the art technology to reach the masses, the government has prepared a record album of instructional sex education for New Brunswickers, who they say "either aren't doing it, or aren't doing it right".  Officials hope that once this is on turntables all over the province that New Brunswickers will be 'churning out kids like there's no tomorrow'.    The album, which features a frank conversation between parents and their kids, will be 'fun for all ages' because "there is nobody trusted more for sexual information than people's parents".   Officials say that even in their thirties people can go to their elderly parents for tips.

     

    Group chastised by Business New Brunswick for "just giving it away".

 

Self sufficiency could be attained by years end say government officials if hugs were charged at a nominal rate of two dollars per hug.   The logic is that if hugs make people happy and happiness is priceless then charging a small fee for hugs would be very competitive.  A small trained group of 100 ‘huggers’ could earn thousands in a large city like Toronto or Montreal.   

   “The main problem is avoiding escalation” says a government study group, “you don’t want people asking for a kiss for $5, because you just don’t know where that kind of thing might end.”   

   Other stronger critics have pointed at the group as being an example of ‘maritime defeatism’.  Sources inside the PM’s office claim that by not even trying to make money ‘from their skills’ shows that the group has no faith in their abilities to hug better than, say, huggers in Calgary or Ottawa.  When asked to define what a ‘better hug’ is, the source replied “I can’t explain it, but I know it when I feel it.”
 
        Conservation spokesperson Smokey D. Bear states that in the past the government never attaches penalties to breaking environmental laws and this is a case where the government needs to stand firm "against the tyrannical and careless nature of god". 

  The liberal government maintains that it will not go soft on the deity, stating "the excessive and consistent pollution from sea spray shows a blatant disregard for our air quality, especially in places like Saint John where we work hard to have top notch air".          

   Government officials are looking into charges that the heavy air pollution in St. John is not caused by industry but by the tides and numerous plants.    Officials from the department of Justice maintain that 'god is no different from anybody else, if he/she/it breaks the law then he/she/it  must pay'.  The source is available here

GOD TO BE CHARGED IN ENVIRONMENTAL COURT CHALLENGE

  Citing the government website for kids which notes that "You may be surprised to know that air pollution can come from nature, but it's true....pollen from plants, salt spray from the ocean..."  has the Conservation Council and the Department of the environment teaming up to bring charges against god for environmental damages resulting from excessive sea spray and pollenation.  

 Sources say that the court case will begin immediately,however, the conservation council is concerned with the government's approach     which uses compromise rather than penalties.

                 

CBC 'WISH LIST' can't show the top hundred wishes

          A spokesman for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation admitted to a rumour circulating that the CBC 'make a wish' contest could only end up printing wishes that were not X rated. 

    "Most of them were absolutely filthy" said a senior staffer, who admitted the contest was designed as a fun filled contest for the summer, but which turned out to be  a darkly disturbing look at the fantasies of average canadians.

   Most of the wishes involved acts spouses weren't willing to perform as well as many involving coworkers and 'others who wouldn't give the wisher the time of day'. 

   The CBC says there is 'no way in hell' they will feature such a contest again: "certain types of people would read this stuff for free, but this volume?"

 

Headlines from Canada and around the World
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EXCERPTS FROM THE OPINIONS

"why can't we all get along you bastards.."  pg.A3

"let's get the phrase 'rub a dub dub' back into common parlance......"   pg. A4

"so a priest, a rabbi and a preacher walk into a caisse populaire..."   pg. A4

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